Me: hi

scarecrow_sum41: how are you doing?

Me: I am okay
Thanks for asking

scarecrow_sum41: asl?

Me: what do you mean?
Is that a foreign language?

scarecrow_sum41: who are you?

Me: I am me
who are you?

scarecrow_sum41: saad from morocco im 28y
you

Me: I am Misty and am 29 years old

scarecrow_sum41: nice too meet you misty

Me: yes

scarecrow_sum41: so tell me about yourself

Me: what do you want to know?

scarecrow_sum41: evreything about you

Me: everything?

scarecrow_sum41: yes

Me: well…first of all, I work in the circus
I travel a lot all over the country
what do you think about that?

scarecrow_sum41: great
ur name’s charle right?

Me: no, it’s Misty
Misty the Marvelous

scarecrow_sum41: good

Me: I train schnauzers
they do all kinda of tricks
they juggle, jump through hoops, paly the piano, etc
they are really smart dogs
I have 15 of them

scarecrow_sum41: good

Me: They live at my home when they are not performing
do you like dogs?

scarecrow_sum41: yes
do you have pic

Me: yes, but I signed all the rights over to the circus
I can’t give them away for free

scarecrow_sum41: ok
as you like

Me: tell me something about yourself

scarecrow_sum41: im single no kids
i like travel music movies i like playing footbal in beach
working im miner

Me: you are a miner?

scarecrow_sum41: yes im working in mine
so add me plz if it posible

Me: what kind of mine?

scarecrow_sum41: phosphat and uranium

scarecrow sum41 would like to add you to his or her Online Contacts list.

Accept | Decline (I ignored this)

phosphat and uranium

Me: wow…do you have to crawl into tight spaces?

scarecrow sum41: what do u mean
yes its tight spaces in mine and dark

Me:I am afraid of dark tight spaces
do you have a light?

scarecrow sum41: yes

Me: scary

scarecrow sum41: i have pic

Me: of your dark tight spaces?

scarecrow sum41: yes
wanna see

Me: my computer is very old…I don’t know if I can
it’s totally 80′s

scarecrow sum41: accept

Me: accept what?

scarecrow sum41: to see pic

Me: I don’t understand

scarecrow sum41: click in save

Me: I don’t see anything

scarecrow sum41: or accept

Me: nope, nothing
just describe yourself

scarecrow sum41: are u chatting from cull phone

Me: yes
because my computer is too old

scarecrow sum41: ok

Me: where do you live?

scarecrow sum41: (he had inserted winky emoticon)

Me: what is that for?

scarecrow sum41: nothing

Me: nothing?

I want to start out this letter by telling you that I love you. You are charming, exciting, no-nonsense & very humble. Having said this, please don’t take this the wrong way…

Am I invisible? Is my car like Wonder Woman’s invisible jet? I ask because your citizens constantly walk in front of me. Don’t get me wrong – I understand that people need to get places, but have they ever heard of a cross walk? How about a stop light? Stop sign? No?

Why do the good folks of this metropolis have such lack of regard for their personal safety? A bigger question still is why do the lovely moms think that their babies’ carriages make them impenetrable to the unforgiving steel that is my vehicle? Is it that the larger target they create provides more opportunity for me to see them & subsequently slow down?

I daren’t honk my horn at them, Oakland. The only return on this investment would be a blank stare, screaming rant, 1 finger salute or an uncomfortable item popped into my derriere.

In closing, I beg of you, Oakland – PLEASE make your citizens quit walking in front of my car.

Yours truly,
Charlene

When I was a child, I had many prized possessions. The status of each fluctuated nearly daily. Sometimes, Barbie was queen. Other times, the Cabbage Patch doll was front & center. Throw in the mix the lovable antics of the Baby Alive (you feed her & she poops, gosh dang it) and I was kept in stitches for hours…nay, DAYS.

Though these amusements were very substantial, there was one toy that stood out from the pack. This gem is called the Holly Hobbie Oven.

Holly Hobbie Oven

Yes, my friends – behold the wonder of Holly. Even in her shabby splendor, she shines like the true beacon of light & hope for which she was meant.

I loved my Holly Hobbie Oven. The magical way in which she baked delicious goodness was astounding. Nevermind the fact that the cakes were rubbery on the edges and uncooked in the center. A blind eye was gladly turned to the fact that it took over an hour to bake one lovely treat. And shut your mouth about the pancake shape of the cakes…I am just talkin’ bout Holly…sigh. I even continued to cheerfully bake long after I had misplaced the little pan & had to improvise with various household items. (Note to self, pickle jar lids only serve to create pickle flavored cakes).

As with all things in nature, I started to grow up. With this newfound maturity, I found that I had less time for Holly. Even though I had other adolescent pursuits to conquer, I never really turned my back on Holly. In fact, she always held a place of prominence in my room. I didn’t play with her much, but I always knew she was there…watching over me, if you will…until one fateful day.

My mother has what some people call a “short fuse”. One day, she was babysitting some bratty kids who had basically ransacked my room. When she started to put it back together, she discovered that these hooligans had removed my Holly Hobbie Oven from its perch & had plugged it in. Even though the 40 watt lightbulb housed inside couldn’t have really done any damage, my mom freaked out & did the unthinkable. She yanked the cord out of the wall & cut the power cord off with a pair of scissors!! SCISSORS!!!!!! When I realized what she had done, I was inconsolable. I felt that those steely implements of death had cut the cord to my very soul. MY SOUL.

This incident was followed by years of strife and discontent..until today, that is. Below, you will find one Ebay auction listing. Please pay special attention to the description of the item &, of course, the high bidder. In your face, life!!!

Ebay auction

1. “Yum Rocket”
2. “Grand Theft Sandwich”

SERIOUSLY?! Every time I hear this particular commercial, I literally feel violent. It’s as if there is some subliminal messaging force that is compelling me to take up arms against the injustice that is douchey advertising (wait, that’s redundant).

Subway, you have topped yourself with this one. I thought the “5 Dollar Footlong” song was bad enough, but you go and prove that you had more of the stuff in you. And, don’t EVEN get me started on that Jarrod dick, flaunting his enormous pants with typical software engineer swagger. You are like a criminally insane genius…you certainly know what you are doing, my frenemy.

I wish I could quit you…

Why (you may ask) am I at the DMV? For the best imaginable reason possible…I lost my wallet this week – yes, it contained all credit cards, some cash, medical cards, etc. This is exacerbated by the sad fact that the wallet itself was my most favorite wallet in the world, as it was adorned by Dachshunds wearing hats & smoking pipes…nuf said. So now I sit, surrounded by the unwashed masses that are the patrons of the California Department of Motor Vehicles. The circumstances surrounding this loss include whiskey, karaoke & coworkers. Oh yeah, it also contains a certain blackout. The next day, I said to a coworker, “It’s so sad, I didn’t even get to do Mr. Roboto.” To which, he replied, “Uh, yeah you did.” I am super dooper klassy.

I just realized the guy next to me is reading over my shoulder. I should write something super shocking or sexy. Maybe even something shockingly sexy!! What a dick for reading what I am writing. Yeah, I am counting on him reading that last bit.

No kidding, is bathing a lost art form? Good night!!!

I am starting to get nervous here because they haven’t been calling any numbers from my series in a long time. I would go up & ask, but the workers scare me. Wow, there’s a guy next to me who looks like Rocky from Mask, but without the deformity. That’s not really very interesting, is it?

After the fact:
All of a sudden, a security guard comes up to us defeated patrons & announces that nobody will be seen past 5 pm. In other words, I sat here for 2 hours just to be turned away. I knew that my number would never called, so I hijack a number that was once owned by someone gave up & left. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself until I discovered that they could not give me a new one on account of my license being suspended. Apparently, I had a fixit ticket a year ago that I never fully cleared up. I got the issue fixed, but I guess I never mailed in the signed ticket. That little oversight costs a mere $300! Yay me!!

I also occasionally cheer myself up by Googling the phrase “charlene likes to”. My hijinx always delight.

First & foremost, I am happy to report that my vision has officially been shattered. Though Portland is definitely rife with the aforementioned smokers & hippies (and vegans, I discovered), it also had a really good element of people who are just generally cool.

I will now make a list of what I liked:
• Heidi & crew
• All bars serve food
• No sales tax
• Guns & Roses Pinball
• Watching movies on the sidewalk
• Getting wasted in a bar that used to be a school (didn’t have time to go to the funeral parlor one)
• Taking along a framed picture of a coworker as my travelling companion (and sharpies, which allowed hilarious defacement)

I don’t want to make a similar list for the things that bugged me, but I will mention the one huge fly in my ointment: it was SO EFFING HOT!! Seriously, are you kidding me?! We had to compensate for the heat by drinking that much more heavily….and we did, oh how we did.

So now I am back. Went straight from the airport to work. Gotsta go pick up little Mathilda at my friend Martha’s after work…I missed that little wiener. I was, however, comforted during the trip by 2 surrogate dogs – Chico the Rat Terrier mix & Poppy the Pug/Boston Terrier mix. They slept with me every night & kept me company with their snore serenade.

All in all, it was a very successful trip – highly recommended.

My lack of writing really does not accurately reflect my life, as I have had tons of “stuff” going on…“stuff” that is actually mildly interesting even (well, maybe just to me).

First off, I am still residing in my new Estate in West Oakland, aka “Honkey Manor”. It’s a really neato house that has plenty of space in which to spread out. It’s not without its flaws, but I will always pick the dings of an old house over the lack of charm that a perfect new place offers.

I experienced my first Oakland rite of passage a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I experienced a smash & grab.

The scene: right in front of my house
The time: around 7 pm, brightly lit.
The scenario: I arrive home from work around 6:30 pm with a horrifically profound need to urinate. Yeah, I said it – I had to pee.

I exit my car & run up to the house. RUN up to the house. I do my business & promptly become distracted for around 20 minutes…no foolin – TWENTY MINUTES. All of a sudden, it occurs to me that I forgot my laptop in the car, so I run out to get it. Obviously, I discover my car window busted & the bag GONE. Ugh, can you effing believe this?! Yeah, me too.

So I do a weird kind of 3 stooges maneuver (though solo) & then get my bearings. I run back into the house, grab my roommate & make him drive me around the neighborhood to find the perp. Shocker – did not find them.

When I return to the scene of the crime, I notice a guy sitting in a beater Camaro (not a bitchin’ one) out front. I walk up to him & ask if he saw anything. He tells me, “Naw, I just sat down”. I then notice a small tire iron on the ground & tell my roommate, “Hey, I think I know what they broke my window with”. The man in the car hears me & informs us that he was cleaning out his car & just threw that out there – an explanation I lamely accepted.

When I discovered the break-in, I naturally called the police. It was a work laptop that was stolen & my job required a police report (what a joke!!). Apparently, when one calls the po po’s to a neighborhood like mine, they have a tendency to look around the whole neighborhood for anything amiss. I guess the afore mentioned Camaro had “issues” because it promptly got towed away. When I saw the tow truck & cop car approach, I walked over & asked if he could look in the car to see if there was evidence of my theft. After the pig laughed at me & said that I was dreaming if I thought my computer would be there (no duh, jerk), I said, “Can you just please look”? He did & guess what – empty computer bag full of broken glass from my window. Poetic, eh?

So later that day, my roommate tells me that the owner (junkie son of woman who lives across the street) of said car came over to our house. He told roommate that he did not appreciate us getting his car towed (we didn’t) & that things like this never happened until us honkies move in. NICE!

I still like Oakland.

My first couple of days, my roommate & I drove to the Bart stop with which he was familiar. I quickly realized that this was expensive & added too much extra time to said commute, though it did spit me out into a fairly cool neighborhood where I was unlikely to get shot.

I then let my fingers do the walking & went on the internet to research my options. I discovered that the Oakland/Alameda ferry was a viable option, so I checked it out. Much to my delight, I discovered that it was, well, delightful. The only rub was the fact that I had to leave about an hour before my work start time. It also caused me to be very strict about my comings & goings (which I HATE). I had to leave at 5 pm sharp in order to make my boat. This, of course, was offset by the fact that the ferry serves booze.

Now, I take the Bart…a sad fact that does not please me. The Bart is so depressing. Fortunately, I get on at West O & get off at Montgomery…making my total travel time about 10 minutes. As a matter of fact, I will make a list of pros & cons for each:

Ferry Pro:

• relaxing
• clean
• fresh air
• it’s a BOAT RIDE
• nice sights to see
• free parking

Ferry Con:

• have to sacrifice an hour of sleep
• the people chatter about vapid crap
• baseball fans going to Giants games (the WORST)

Bart Pro:

• super flexible
• can ride any train coming/going (they all go thru West O)
• shorter walk to work
• get to see more crazy people
• get to hear the buskers at the station
• get to see many shiny-suited men

Bart Con:

• depressing
• slightly more expensive
• kinda gross

I need to start alternating between my beloved Ferry & the wretched Bart, I reckon. The problem is that I am the world’s laziest gal & the Bart is so much easier (and it lends itself so well to after work drankin).