Open Letter to Oakland

Dear Oakland,

I want to start out this letter by telling you that I love you. You are charming, exciting, no-nonsense & very humble. Having said this, please don’t take this the wrong way…

Am I invisible? Is my car like Wonder Woman’s invisible jet? I ask because your citizens constantly walk in front of me. Don’t get me wrong – I understand that people need to get places, but have they ever heard of a cross walk? How about a stop light? Stop sign? No?

Why do the good folks of this metropolis have such lack of regard for their personal safety? A bigger question still is why do the lovely moms think that their babies’ carriages make them impenetrable to the unforgiving steel that is my vehicle? Is it that the larger target they create provides more opportunity for me to see them & subsequently slow down?

I daren’t honk my horn at them, Oakland. The only return on this investment would be a blank stare, screaming rant, 1 finger salute or an uncomfortable item popped into my derriere.

In closing, I beg of you, Oakland – PLEASE make your citizens quit walking in front of my car.

Yours truly,
Charlene

Holly Hobby Ovens

UPDATE: 11/10/08 – I WON!  In your FACE!!!  Now, I just have to wait!

When I was a child, I had many prized possessions. The status of each fluctuated nearly daily. Sometimes, Barbie was queen. Other times, the Cabbage Patch doll was front & center. Throw in the mix the lovable antics of the Baby Alive (you feed her & she poops, gosh dang it) and I was kept in stitches for hours…nay, DAYS.

Though these amusements were very substantial, there was one toy that stood out from the pack. This gem is called the Holly Hobbie Oven.

 

Holly Hobbie Oven

Yes, my friends – behold the wonder of Holly. Even in her shabby splendor, she shines like the true beacon of light & hope for which she was meant.

I loved my Holly Hobbie Oven. The magical way in which she baked delicious goodness was astounding. Nevermind the fact that the cakes were rubbery on the edges and uncooked in the center. A blind eye was gladly turned to the fact that it took over an hour to bake one lovely treat. And shut your mouth about the pancake shape of the cakes…I am just talkin’ bout Holly…sigh. I even continued to cheerfully bake long after I had misplaced the little pan & had to improvise with various household items. (Note to self, pickle jar lids only serve to create pickle flavored cakes).

As with all things in nature, I started to grow up. With this newfound maturity, I found that I had less time for Holly. Even though I had other adolescent pursuits to conquer, I never really turned my back on Holly. In fact, she always held a place of prominence in my room. I didn’t play with her much, but I always knew she was there…watching over me, if you will…until one fateful day.

My mother has what some people call a “short fuse”. One day, she was babysitting some bratty kids who had basically ransacked my room. When she started to put it back together, she discovered that these hooligans had removed my Holly Hobbie Oven from its perch & had plugged it in. Even though the 40 watt lightbulb housed inside couldn’t have really done any damage, my mom freaked out & did the unthinkable. She yanked the cord out of the wall & cut the power cord off with a pair of scissors!! SCISSORS!!!!!! When I realized what she had done, I was inconsolable. I felt that those steely implements of death had cut the cord to my very soul. MY SOUL.

This incident was followed by years of strife and discontent..until today, that is. Below, you will find one Ebay auction listing. Please pay special attention to the description of the item &, of course, the high bidder. In your face, life!!!

Ebay auction

Things that throw me into a blind rage: Subway Edition

2 phrases:

1. “Yum Rocket”
2. “Grand Theft Sandwich”

SERIOUSLY?! Every time I hear this particular commercial, I literally feel violent. It’s as if there is some subliminal messaging force that is compelling me to take up arms against the injustice that is douchey advertising (wait, that’s redundant).

Subway, you have topped yourself with this one. I thought the “5 Dollar Footlong” song was bad enough, but you go and prove that you had more of the stuff in you. And, don’t EVEN get me started on that Jarrod dick, flaunting his enormous pants with typical software engineer swagger. You are like a criminally insane genius…you certainly know what you are doing, my frenemy.

I wish I could quit you…

DMV is A-OK

I am sitting in the DMV right now. It is an especially dismal place due to the fact that the lobby is full of disgruntled people who were turned away from the initial help desk at the stroke of 3. Apparently, the budget crisis in our great State of California has prompted our governor, one Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, to put the kybosh on any superfluous government spending. So now, any temp employees have been laid off & the rest of the workforce cannot work overtime & will start being paid only minimum wage. I guess this is the governor’s way of putting the pressure on legislators to get their arses in gear to approve the budget. So now, it the very present, I am bearing witness to some of the casualties of this crisis – the turned away people & the DMV employees getting accosted. I happened to get my number at about 2:55, so I narrowly escaped being part of said angry mob. Of course, I have not actually fared that well – my number is 417 & they just called 282. Yeah.

Why (you may ask) am I at the DMV? For the best imaginable reason possible…I lost my wallet this week – yes, it contained all credit cards, some cash, medical cards, etc. This is exacerbated by the sad fact that the wallet itself was my most favorite wallet in the world, as it was adorned by Dachshunds wearing hats & smoking pipes…nuf said. So now I sit, surrounded by the unwashed masses that are the patrons of the California Department of Motor Vehicles. The circumstances surrounding this loss include whiskey, karaoke & coworkers. Oh yeah, it also contains a certain blackout. The next day, I said to a coworker, “It’s so sad, I didn’t even get to do Mr. Roboto.” To which, he replied, “Uh, yeah you did.” I am super dooper klassy.

I just realized the guy next to me is reading over my shoulder. I should write something super shocking or sexy. Maybe even something shockingly sexy!! What a dick for reading what I am writing. Yeah, I am counting on him reading that last bit.

No kidding, is bathing a lost art form? Good night!!!

I am starting to get nervous here because they haven’t been calling any numbers from my series in a long time. I would go up & ask, but the workers scare me. Wow, there’s a guy next to me who looks like Rocky from Mask, but without the deformity. That’s not really very interesting, is it?

After the fact:
All of a sudden, a security guard comes up to us defeated patrons & announces that nobody will be seen past 5 pm. In other words, I sat here for 2 hours just to be turned away. I knew that my number would never called, so I hijack a number that was once owned by someone gave up & left. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself until I discovered that they could not give me a new one on account of my license being suspended. Apparently, I had a fixit ticket a year ago that I never fully cleared up. I got the issue fixed, but I guess I never mailed in the signed ticket. That little oversight costs a mere $300! Yay me!!

Google Searching

Yeah, yeah – I have Googled myself…who hasn’t? DON’T LIE!! I made the most delicious discovery the other day. Go to Google & type “truck stop waitress”. Numero Uno BABY!!

I also occasionally cheer myself up by Googling the phrase “charlene likes to”. My hijinx always delight.

My Vacation (or “You Can’t Swing a Dead Cat in Portland Without Hitting a Vegan”)

I just got back from a long weekend in Portland, Oregon. Though I really wanted to visit my dear friend Heidi, I was a little reticent to visit the Pacific Northwest, as I had visions of hippies & smokers dancing in my head.

First & foremost, I am happy to report that my vision has officially been shattered. Though Portland is definitely rife with the aforementioned smokers & hippies (and vegans, I discovered), it also had a really good element of people who are just generally cool.

I will now make a list of what I liked:
• Heidi & crew
• All bars serve food
• No sales tax
• Guns & Roses Pinball
• Watching movies on the sidewalk
• Getting wasted in a bar that used to be a school (didn’t have time to go to the funeral parlor one)
• Taking along a framed picture of a coworker as my travelling companion (and sharpies, which allowed hilarious defacement)

I don’t want to make a similar list for the things that bugged me, but I will mention the one huge fly in my ointment: it was SO EFFING HOT!! Seriously, are you kidding me?! We had to compensate for the heat by drinking that much more heavily….and we did, oh how we did.

So now I am back. Went straight from the airport to work. Gotsta go pick up little Mathilda at my friend Martha’s after work…I missed that little wiener. I was, however, comforted during the trip by 2 surrogate dogs – Chico the Rat Terrier mix & Poppy the Pug/Boston Terrier mix. They slept with me every night & kept me company with their snore serenade.

All in all, it was a very successful trip – highly recommended.

Lack of Prolificacy

Title sums it all up. It’s a great word, “prolificacy”…quite possible my fave word-o-the day.

My lack of writing really does not accurately reflect my life, as I have had tons of “stuff” going on…“stuff” that is actually mildly interesting even (well, maybe just to me).

First off, I am still residing in my new Estate in West Oakland, aka “Honkey Manor”. It’s a really neato house that has plenty of space in which to spread out. It’s not without its flaws, but I will always pick the dings of an old house over the lack of charm that a perfect new place offers.

I experienced my first Oakland rite of passage a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I experienced a smash & grab.

The scene: right in front of my house
The time: around 7 pm, brightly lit.
The scenario: I arrive home from work around 6:30 pm with a horrifically profound need to urinate. Yeah, I said it – I had to pee.

I exit my car & run up to the house. RUN up to the house. I do my business & promptly become distracted for around 20 minutes…no foolin – TWENTY MINUTES. All of a sudden, it occurs to me that I forgot my laptop in the car, so I run out to get it. Obviously, I discover my car window busted & the bag GONE. Ugh, can you effing believe this?! Yeah, me too.

So I do a weird kind of 3 stooges maneuver (though solo) & then get my bearings. I run back into the house, grab my roommate & make him drive me around the neighborhood to find the perp. Shocker – did not find them.

When I return to the scene of the crime, I notice a guy sitting in a beater Camaro (not a bitchin’ one) out front. I walk up to him & ask if he saw anything. He tells me, “Naw, I just sat down”. I then notice a small tire iron on the ground & tell my roommate, “Hey, I think I know what they broke my window with”. The man in the car hears me & informs us that he was cleaning out his car & just threw that out there – an explanation I lamely accepted.

When I discovered the break-in, I naturally called the police. It was a work laptop that was stolen & my job required a police report (what a joke!!). Apparently, when one calls the po po’s to a neighborhood like mine, they have a tendency to look around the whole neighborhood for anything amiss. I guess the afore mentioned Camaro had “issues” because it promptly got towed away. When I saw the tow truck & cop car approach, I walked over & asked if he could look in the car to see if there was evidence of my theft. After the pig laughed at me & said that I was dreaming if I thought my computer would be there (no duh, jerk), I said, “Can you just please look”? He did & guess what – empty computer bag full of broken glass from my window. Poetic, eh?

So later that day, my roommate tells me that the owner (junkie son of woman who lives across the street) of said car came over to our house. He told roommate that he did not appreciate us getting his car towed (we didn’t) & that things like this never happened until us honkies move in. NICE!

I still like Oakland.

My new commute

I recently joined the ranks of the San Francisco defectors to the East Bay (specifically Oakland). In addition to the usual brand of moving irritations, I also had the annoyance of figuring out my new commute. Since I did not move very close to a Bart station & Oakland busses give me the creeps, I needed to figure out a commute that involved my car or bike. Since my bike is a gorgeous piece of work, I decided that leaving it locked up all day outside would be asking for trouble. This left my car, a not-so-gorgeous piece of work about which I had no qualms leaving out all day.

My first couple of days, my roommate & I drove to the Bart stop with which he was familiar. I quickly realized that this was expensive & added too much extra time to said commute, though it did spit me out into a fairly cool neighborhood where I was unlikely to get shot.

I then let my fingers do the walking & went on the internet to research my options. I discovered that the Oakland/Alameda ferry was a viable option, so I checked it out. Much to my delight, I discovered that it was, well, delightful. The only rub was the fact that I had to leave about an hour before my work start time. It also caused me to be very strict about my comings & goings (which I HATE). I had to leave at 5 pm sharp in order to make my boat. This, of course, was offset by the fact that the ferry serves booze.

Now, I take the Bart…a sad fact that does not please me. The Bart is so depressing. Fortunately, I get on at West O & get off at Montgomery…making my total travel time about 10 minutes. As a matter of fact, I will make a list of pros & cons for each:

Ferry Pro:

• relaxing
• clean
• fresh air
• it’s a BOAT RIDE
• nice sights to see
• free parking

Ferry Con:

• have to sacrifice an hour of sleep
• the people chatter about vapid crap
• baseball fans going to Giants games (the WORST)

Bart Pro:

• super flexible
• can ride any train coming/going (they all go thru West O)
• shorter walk to work
• get to see more crazy people
• get to hear the buskers at the station
• get to see many shiny-suited men

Bart Con:

• depressing
• slightly more expensive
• kinda gross

I need to start alternating between my beloved Ferry & the wretched Bart, I reckon. The problem is that I am the world’s laziest gal & the Bart is so much easier (and it lends itself so well to after work drankin).

My new house

My new house is so rad. I went from an expensive 1 bedroom dank little apartment to this virtual palace! By virtual palace, I mean that it is drafty, dusty, flawed & PERFECT! It is a really old 3 bedroom, 2 story house in West Oakland…I am straight street, yo!

My roommate & I have similar insane qualities, so things have been meshing fairly well as far as the arrangement of the house is concerned. We even have an entire room dedicated to musical instruments, complete with 3 accordions, 1 banjo, 1 clarinet, 1 guitar & 1 player piano. The piano is actually a fairly recent addition to the household…

Stan: (as I am walking to the front door) “Don’t be mad, but I bought something for the house.”
Me: “um…ok – what is it?!”

Yeah, he bought a player piano, on a whim…completely out of tune, but that adds to its charm in my opinion.

My buck-toothed Dachshund Mathilda is in heaven running around this big ol’ house & the cat is constantly finding new spots to hide. They especially love hanging out in the backyard (by “yard”, I mean dirt farm).

The best part of my neighborhood is the guy who practices his roller blading in front of the house. We spotted him for the first time last weekend, so we opened the window & blasted the Meatloaf Bat out of Hell record I had just bought at a thrift store. It just seemed natural that he needed that very accompaniment.

Stay tuned for a big West O housewarming BLOWOUT!!

beside jesus bedroom

[12:47] babyblinks2000: how are you doing
[12:47] babyblinks2000: <ding>

[12:47] charleneshouse: ok

[12:47] babyblinks2000: well..whats your name

[12:47] charleneshouse: betty

[12:48] babyblinks2000: ok i am peter
[12:48] babyblinks2000: where are you from

[12:48] charleneshouse: earth

[12:48] babyblinks2000: ok i am from pluto
[12:48] babyblinks2000: lol
[12:49] babyblinks2000: pls where are you from
[12:49] babyblinks2000: <ding>

[12:52] charleneshouse: why?
[12:52] charleneshouse: are you sure you’re not from Uranus?

[12:52] babyblinks2000: oh no i am from heaven
[12:53] babyblinks2000: you

[12:53] charleneshouse: oh yeah, me too

[12:53] babyblinks2000: ok

[12:53] charleneshouse: why do you want to know?

[12:53] babyblinks2000: which city do you live in heaven?
[12:55] babyblinks2000:  0256which city do you live in heaven?

[12:55] charleneshouse: I asked you why you want to know

[12:55] babyblinks2000: so that i will visit your city

[12:56] charleneshouse: where do you live?

[12:56] babyblinks2000: i said heaven
[12:57] babyblinks2000: i live in the area of angle micheal? and u?
[12:58] babyblinks2000: <ding>

[12:58] charleneshouse: where is that?

[12:59] babyblinks2000: beside jesus bedroom
[12:59] babyblinks2000: ands you

[12:59] charleneshouse: oh, you were trying to say Angel Michael

[12:59] babyblinks2000: yeah
[12:59] babyblinks2000: and you

[13:00] charleneshouse: I live in Bakersfield

[13:00] babyblinks2000: ok
[13:00] babyblinks2000: how many prphets there

[13:00] charleneshouse: what?

[13:01] babyblinks2000: how many prophets there?

[13:01] charleneshouse: I think you are carrying this heaven metaphor a bit too far, don’t you?

 

guess he thought so, too